diminishing returns

no matter how hard i refuse to accept it, it's true. there is such a thing as the law of diminishing returns, especially when it comes to studying for my forthcoming midterm exams. the first two hours are nothing short of a breeze as i just become a sponge absorbing each and every info that my eyes permit me to read. but after that, well, it becomes another story. it becomes more and more difficult to assimilate the relevant data, let alone the trivial matters that are handy to know but are never really necessary for purposes of the exam (yes, i'm referring to the nice-sounding latin terms and phrases, hehe...).

and so, after a few hours of forced brain labor, i must inevitably stop, for no time by then is efficiently spent. thus, i turn to other more productive things to do, i.e. blogging and something else. haha, what a way to spend the last few remaining hours of the penultimate day before balane's killer succession exam. hahaha.

good thing i have these outlets* lest i lose everything to the law of diminishing returns... and no one would like that, right?

*wink wink* for those who know, or at least have an idea, best stay shut, hehe

little fights

don't you ever wonder when these disagreements stop?

for one, it gets so annoying sometimes fighting about nothing at all. it's as if a mushroom just sprung out of nowhere and you are forced to deal with it even if you have neither the patience nor the time.

for another, they are just that, little inconsequential fights--fights of no import whatsoever. all it does is raise your temper, nothing more.

so again, i ask, when do these disagreements stop? never seems to be a plausible answer.

but i would prefer soon.

anytime soon.

midterms (for the last time)

here i am, less than a week before my midterm exams and i am still yet to feel the rush which usually compels me to study religiously. i need to panic. i need to feel the urgency of reading and re-reading all of my materials. i need to see the lack of time to cover all of my readings in order to, ironically, finish them all!!! argh, i need help!!!

christmas carols

the wind blowing at the corner is colder. the sky is a little bit darker, but happier. the people are the same, but not quite. yes, something is different. that kind of difference we sense every year. that kind which makes us want to stop from our daily routines, look back at what the past year brought, and take a while to assimilate the change. indeed, Christmas has come.

and i'm excited. in more ways than one.

first, after years of absence, one of my cousins from the states is coming home to celebrate the holidays with us. again, it will be one big happy family reminiscing, celebrating. it reminds me of those days when i was but a grade schooler, innocent of the ways of the world, enjoying what little world i knew. it was those times when problems and heartaches didn't matter. it was those days when Christmas carols were not mere songs played but were songs that express a beauty unexplained, the beauty of belief and utter confidence. i loved those days.

second, another cousin is getting married! so happy for her. and a little bit afraid and apprehensive for me. well, there goes the bell. which means it's time for the next in line. which means one more buffer out of the way. which means i so don't want to yet. nope. not in the near future. in fact, as of now, not even in the distant future. haha, let's see how it turns out.

third and finally, this is the first Christmas after four years, that i gained a new best friend and a different significant other. it has been the same these last four years and it's kinda weird having a new set up. anyway, it's as exciting as it is weird. so, i welcome the challenge. i always have. i hope i always will.

And so, Christmas is once more just around the corner, Christmas carols are heard practically everywhere. the question that confronts us though is this, do we hear these carols just play, or do we hear a beauty unexplained, like that which happens in a wedding nearing Christmas day, or that which happens upon a new and exciting change. i hope it's the latter. i so hope it is.

two weeks

this is what i was afraid of. if i stopped blogging even for just a while, i kinda lose the spark that ignites my writing prowess. thus, as a result, there comes long blocks of time during which i have no written output whatsoever. and yes, we all know what that does to me, right? argh, insanity kicks in and, as always, i get lost in thoughts.

so what has happened thus far? well, as usual, nothing much (nothing much that i can write about, that is... hahaha). school started and i have been struggling to get myself in the mood to study. second semesters are always a pain in the butt for me. i smell the scent of Christmas around the corner and, as most of us do, i associate it with breaks and vacations and chilling out time, which means, no studies, no hassle, no stress. hehehe... argh, good for me, bad for my studies.

anyway, i ditched my classes yesterday. you see, there are times when i have this intuitive feeling when or when not to appear in class. it so happened that since early morning yesterday i have been feeling the urge to ditch my class. and so i did. as it turned out, there are no classes today, on friday, on saturday and sunday. so in effect, i had wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday and sunday as my free days this week. now that's what you call a very loooong weekend. nice.

however, the long weekend also means a pile up of tons of work to be done. i have to draft an answer for our practice court, revise my thesis out of my own volition even though i am not in any way required or requested to do so (which earned me a frown from titit ;p) and study for the very first succession recit this sem. argh. a lot to be done. so little time to do it (syempre, because i still have to go out, di ba? heheh).

finally, i'm really apprehensive about the oncoming super typhoon. i so do not want a failure of the electric supply again. living in the dark is so not a metro thing. in the mountains of mindoro, fine, but here? uuh, no. don't like it one bit. i so hope meralco has now taken precautions...

anyway, i'm so excited. tomorrow will be a new day for me, it is like a culmination of those two weeks of silence. i cannot write about it, but i so hope everything goes well. i'm keeping my fingers crossed. wish me luck guys ;p

update

the wait has been long. too long in fact. the voluntary desistance from grabbing the computer and blogging my heart away has now come to an end. the red eye is gone, final exams are finally over, and the fever is low. yes, now i can blog.

reunion
three weeks ago (and yes, during that time when i had a flaming red eye, which wasn't so red thanks to the miracles of modern science), my brother and i attended an uncle's birthday celebration which became a reunion of sorts. i had fun talking with my second cousins. i couldn't believe i never got to know them growing up. 'twould have been great.

also during that time, i had my first great scare of the coming bar examinations. two of my cousins took the exam this year and everyone's eye is on me now, being the next in line taking the great leap. pressure. argh.

the celebration was held in gazebo royale (did i get this right?) in quezon city. apparently, it is where matet was married and where maja salvador had her debut. nice place. a quiet sanctuary amidst the busy city.

final exams
a week after that reunion however, whatever good will i have had since then already disappeared due to the always dreaded final examinations. not all was lost though.

poli law was great. if there is any subject which i can say i'm ready to take for the bar, it'll have to be this. very good foundation by father b and great review by sir jack. a total money's worth, hehe...

for persons, i have had a mistake which i have never ever committed in the four years that i've been in the law school. i inadvertently skipped a number which i'm sure i have an answer to. sayang ang 10 points! oh well, no use crying over spilled milk, right?

crim was disastrous. and nothing is left to be said. aaaaaah. (by the way, part of the reason why i messed up crim is that i've been sick since monday night. thank goodness for ker who took care of me during those two days. thanks ker!)

retreat
finally, if there is one thing that i've been looking forward to since i last blogged, it is the retreat that i'm having starting today. not only is it a silent retreat which i have never ever attended before, it is also, for me, a chance to reboot my system, remove all the unnecessary clutter which i have accumulated all these years, and reorient myself as to the path i'm heading. i so need this. with all the mental and emotional drama i've been having these past years in general and in the past months in particular, a breeze of cool and clear air will do me good.

yes, i'm ready for a new life. and i'm beginning now. i'm leaving for the retreat, guys, see you later. ;p

the weekend that was

much has already been said about the storm we have had late last week. i am not about to give another detailed account of how trees came crashing down roofs of houses or how some households shockingly lost their roofs in a matter of hours due to the storm. no, i'm not gonna do that. what i'm gonna do instead is to account how a long weekend with no electricity and no cellphone reminded me so much of my time spent in the mountains of mindoro in october of 2004.

it was, as i have written before, an experience i could never forget. first is the feeling of urgency, during the day, to do as much as necessary before nightfall. the fact that everything would be pitch black as early as 6 in the evening compels one to be proactive duirng the day. use as much sunlight as possible. there will always be too much work which needed to be done and too short a day and light to do everything. and this is exactly what i felt late last week. the thought that i couldn't count on the wee hours of the morning to do my studying stirs in me a certain sense of panic. that i couldn't delay my work. that i need to finish things NOW.

second is the sadness that envelopes me as darkness falls. it takes too much of my courage and self-restraint to not give in and cry out. take away my TV from me, take away my computer and internet and i'll be a nervous wreck. the lack of communication from the outside world, as it were, and seeing only the four corners of my room weighs down on me to the point of suffocation. psychological? yes. terminable? i hope so. anyway this is how i felt last week. no electricity which meant no TV, no pc, no cp and no connection to anyone outside of my household. sad. on the other side, however, i disovered how fun talking to my family was. how fun playing cards with my mom was. somehow, with electricity around, i never got to do these things with them. it feels like i have been missing out. and that made me sad even more. sad.

if anything good could have come out of what had happened last week, it is me remembering that experience in the mountains of mindoro. it is that experience which taught me urgency and thereby a sense of acitivity, to not delay my work in the future, instead, to do them all NOW as much as possible, as good as possible. modern comforts somehow reduced me into an inactive person. it is amazing how it takes a storm to remind me of how i should be, of how we should be. also, that weekend, more than anything, taught me to enjoy what was within my surrounding. to see the pleasure in just sitting with family members, telling stories, catching up. it's shocking how modern communication devices cut short family interaction in this day and age. and it's even more shocking how it took a natural calamity to make me realize that.

tsk tsk.

today

today, i met up with one of my closest friends. it was nothing but joy seeing this person again. hours effortlessly spent reminiscing the old days and planning the future, there was never a dull moment. it was nothing short of a blast.

also today, i had to relive, by narrating, one of the most painful experiences i have ever had. recounting blow by blow accounts of a love lost and is in no hope of being found drains oneself to the very core. good thing it happened earlier today; all sorrows drowned in the boisterous laughter of old friends.

finally, today, i remembered how much fun it was to spend time with you, be it standing before a computer specialist performing miracles on a two year old personal computer or spending countless hours clicking the mouse and hitting the keyboard, playing what has come to be our favorite computer game.

i wish my life will always be like today, where sadness is lost in between happiness, where pain is dulled by a wonderful past and an exciting future.

i like today. there is nothing like it.

greater change

it started few weeks ago, and it still continues on. this time, it's bigger, more complicated, harder. the severance of a relationship that was is now on the verge of a physical manifestation--separation, of bed and board, of habits, of life.

few months from now, at the time when i will need all support available, i will lose one--the strongest, the most needed. once more, everything will come crashing down at the very moment when i had to keep myself together. for my future. for my own, separate life.

it seems that the universe is conspiring to move into motion a break in the chain of love begun not so long ago. the crack has gone longer. the gap is getting wider. soon there will be nothing. but a silent void. the life built upon the test of time is now being worn by the advent of another time.

this is it. the divergence. the inevitable.

and the unbearable.

Lost in Thoughts

and so it starts anew. an era of my life where nothing is certain and everything is a possibility.

once again, i am lost in thoughts.

join me.