christmas carols

the wind blowing at the corner is colder. the sky is a little bit darker, but happier. the people are the same, but not quite. yes, something is different. that kind of difference we sense every year. that kind which makes us want to stop from our daily routines, look back at what the past year brought, and take a while to assimilate the change. indeed, Christmas has come.

and i'm excited. in more ways than one.

first, after years of absence, one of my cousins from the states is coming home to celebrate the holidays with us. again, it will be one big happy family reminiscing, celebrating. it reminds me of those days when i was but a grade schooler, innocent of the ways of the world, enjoying what little world i knew. it was those times when problems and heartaches didn't matter. it was those days when Christmas carols were not mere songs played but were songs that express a beauty unexplained, the beauty of belief and utter confidence. i loved those days.

second, another cousin is getting married! so happy for her. and a little bit afraid and apprehensive for me. well, there goes the bell. which means it's time for the next in line. which means one more buffer out of the way. which means i so don't want to yet. nope. not in the near future. in fact, as of now, not even in the distant future. haha, let's see how it turns out.

third and finally, this is the first Christmas after four years, that i gained a new best friend and a different significant other. it has been the same these last four years and it's kinda weird having a new set up. anyway, it's as exciting as it is weird. so, i welcome the challenge. i always have. i hope i always will.

And so, Christmas is once more just around the corner, Christmas carols are heard practically everywhere. the question that confronts us though is this, do we hear these carols just play, or do we hear a beauty unexplained, like that which happens in a wedding nearing Christmas day, or that which happens upon a new and exciting change. i hope it's the latter. i so hope it is.

two weeks

this is what i was afraid of. if i stopped blogging even for just a while, i kinda lose the spark that ignites my writing prowess. thus, as a result, there comes long blocks of time during which i have no written output whatsoever. and yes, we all know what that does to me, right? argh, insanity kicks in and, as always, i get lost in thoughts.

so what has happened thus far? well, as usual, nothing much (nothing much that i can write about, that is... hahaha). school started and i have been struggling to get myself in the mood to study. second semesters are always a pain in the butt for me. i smell the scent of Christmas around the corner and, as most of us do, i associate it with breaks and vacations and chilling out time, which means, no studies, no hassle, no stress. hehehe... argh, good for me, bad for my studies.

anyway, i ditched my classes yesterday. you see, there are times when i have this intuitive feeling when or when not to appear in class. it so happened that since early morning yesterday i have been feeling the urge to ditch my class. and so i did. as it turned out, there are no classes today, on friday, on saturday and sunday. so in effect, i had wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday and sunday as my free days this week. now that's what you call a very loooong weekend. nice.

however, the long weekend also means a pile up of tons of work to be done. i have to draft an answer for our practice court, revise my thesis out of my own volition even though i am not in any way required or requested to do so (which earned me a frown from titit ;p) and study for the very first succession recit this sem. argh. a lot to be done. so little time to do it (syempre, because i still have to go out, di ba? heheh).

finally, i'm really apprehensive about the oncoming super typhoon. i so do not want a failure of the electric supply again. living in the dark is so not a metro thing. in the mountains of mindoro, fine, but here? uuh, no. don't like it one bit. i so hope meralco has now taken precautions...

anyway, i'm so excited. tomorrow will be a new day for me, it is like a culmination of those two weeks of silence. i cannot write about it, but i so hope everything goes well. i'm keeping my fingers crossed. wish me luck guys ;p

school starts anew

yes.

it's here.

the new semester.

the final one.

i'm so excited.

what happened?

i've been in san pablo for the past week, that's what happened. no internet connection, meaning, no blogs, no email, and no chats. the mere thought of it makes me shiver. how could i have survived the week without a link to the outside world? how could i have braved the plateau of san pablo without my usual evening, and yes, morning, habits?

argh, it was the worst of times.

and yet, it was also the best of times.

i have started jogging. seriously this time. not a momentary flavor that i put up myself into. of course, i couldn't run for sh*t at first, that was expected. what was unexpected however was my desire to continue running. the early morning breeze battling with my running body as i feel the heat of my blood rising to my face is a complete head rush. love that feeling.

also, a week's stay at home normalized my eating habits. no more skipping meals for me. eating three times a day without the usual dormer's question of where will i eat next is indeed a welcome change in my system. it almost feels like cleansing my body of unwanted stress. that'd be good anytime.

what's more, staying at home for a week somewhat crystallized whatever it is i learned and gained from the silent retreat i have had two weeks ago. nothing can be more serene than spending some alone time in the place where i grew up. growing up there wasn't easy, but it has its wonderful moments, those which i will cherish for the rest of my life.

finally, i have had quality time bonding with my mom. it's been ages since i last had a conversation with her beyond the usual kumustahan. i missed speaking with my mom. i missed the comfort it always brings when we converse and discuss issues concerning anything under the sun. i wish we could do it more often. i wish I could be there more often.

indeed, it was the worst of times, it was the best of times. no one could have put it more precisely than that.

(by the way, i single-handedly put up our Christmas tree at home and it was cool. i also received my final marks in crim law rev and it was even cooler. thanks sir!)

update

the wait has been long. too long in fact. the voluntary desistance from grabbing the computer and blogging my heart away has now come to an end. the red eye is gone, final exams are finally over, and the fever is low. yes, now i can blog.

reunion
three weeks ago (and yes, during that time when i had a flaming red eye, which wasn't so red thanks to the miracles of modern science), my brother and i attended an uncle's birthday celebration which became a reunion of sorts. i had fun talking with my second cousins. i couldn't believe i never got to know them growing up. 'twould have been great.

also during that time, i had my first great scare of the coming bar examinations. two of my cousins took the exam this year and everyone's eye is on me now, being the next in line taking the great leap. pressure. argh.

the celebration was held in gazebo royale (did i get this right?) in quezon city. apparently, it is where matet was married and where maja salvador had her debut. nice place. a quiet sanctuary amidst the busy city.

final exams
a week after that reunion however, whatever good will i have had since then already disappeared due to the always dreaded final examinations. not all was lost though.

poli law was great. if there is any subject which i can say i'm ready to take for the bar, it'll have to be this. very good foundation by father b and great review by sir jack. a total money's worth, hehe...

for persons, i have had a mistake which i have never ever committed in the four years that i've been in the law school. i inadvertently skipped a number which i'm sure i have an answer to. sayang ang 10 points! oh well, no use crying over spilled milk, right?

crim was disastrous. and nothing is left to be said. aaaaaah. (by the way, part of the reason why i messed up crim is that i've been sick since monday night. thank goodness for ker who took care of me during those two days. thanks ker!)

retreat
finally, if there is one thing that i've been looking forward to since i last blogged, it is the retreat that i'm having starting today. not only is it a silent retreat which i have never ever attended before, it is also, for me, a chance to reboot my system, remove all the unnecessary clutter which i have accumulated all these years, and reorient myself as to the path i'm heading. i so need this. with all the mental and emotional drama i've been having these past years in general and in the past months in particular, a breeze of cool and clear air will do me good.

yes, i'm ready for a new life. and i'm beginning now. i'm leaving for the retreat, guys, see you later. ;p

last test standing

and yes, it is almost over... one last exam and it's goodbye first sem, hello second and final sem!!! weeeheee!!!

blog me not

i miss blogging. haven't been able to do so this past week due to my freaking red eye. the doc told me to avoid any kind of eye stress, which, of course includes staring at my pc. hence, no blogging. argh. can't even write a decent blog entry because i have to clear out in a few minutes or so. with final exams coming up, how can i, for the life of me, retain my sanity if i can't blog? argh. this situation is so getting out of control. hmp.

the weekend that was

much has already been said about the storm we have had late last week. i am not about to give another detailed account of how trees came crashing down roofs of houses or how some households shockingly lost their roofs in a matter of hours due to the storm. no, i'm not gonna do that. what i'm gonna do instead is to account how a long weekend with no electricity and no cellphone reminded me so much of my time spent in the mountains of mindoro in october of 2004.

it was, as i have written before, an experience i could never forget. first is the feeling of urgency, during the day, to do as much as necessary before nightfall. the fact that everything would be pitch black as early as 6 in the evening compels one to be proactive duirng the day. use as much sunlight as possible. there will always be too much work which needed to be done and too short a day and light to do everything. and this is exactly what i felt late last week. the thought that i couldn't count on the wee hours of the morning to do my studying stirs in me a certain sense of panic. that i couldn't delay my work. that i need to finish things NOW.

second is the sadness that envelopes me as darkness falls. it takes too much of my courage and self-restraint to not give in and cry out. take away my TV from me, take away my computer and internet and i'll be a nervous wreck. the lack of communication from the outside world, as it were, and seeing only the four corners of my room weighs down on me to the point of suffocation. psychological? yes. terminable? i hope so. anyway this is how i felt last week. no electricity which meant no TV, no pc, no cp and no connection to anyone outside of my household. sad. on the other side, however, i disovered how fun talking to my family was. how fun playing cards with my mom was. somehow, with electricity around, i never got to do these things with them. it feels like i have been missing out. and that made me sad even more. sad.

if anything good could have come out of what had happened last week, it is me remembering that experience in the mountains of mindoro. it is that experience which taught me urgency and thereby a sense of acitivity, to not delay my work in the future, instead, to do them all NOW as much as possible, as good as possible. modern comforts somehow reduced me into an inactive person. it is amazing how it takes a storm to remind me of how i should be, of how we should be. also, that weekend, more than anything, taught me to enjoy what was within my surrounding. to see the pleasure in just sitting with family members, telling stories, catching up. it's shocking how modern communication devices cut short family interaction in this day and age. and it's even more shocking how it took a natural calamity to make me realize that.

tsk tsk.

today

today, i met up with one of my closest friends. it was nothing but joy seeing this person again. hours effortlessly spent reminiscing the old days and planning the future, there was never a dull moment. it was nothing short of a blast.

also today, i had to relive, by narrating, one of the most painful experiences i have ever had. recounting blow by blow accounts of a love lost and is in no hope of being found drains oneself to the very core. good thing it happened earlier today; all sorrows drowned in the boisterous laughter of old friends.

finally, today, i remembered how much fun it was to spend time with you, be it standing before a computer specialist performing miracles on a two year old personal computer or spending countless hours clicking the mouse and hitting the keyboard, playing what has come to be our favorite computer game.

i wish my life will always be like today, where sadness is lost in between happiness, where pain is dulled by a wonderful past and an exciting future.

i like today. there is nothing like it.

greater change

it started few weeks ago, and it still continues on. this time, it's bigger, more complicated, harder. the severance of a relationship that was is now on the verge of a physical manifestation--separation, of bed and board, of habits, of life.

few months from now, at the time when i will need all support available, i will lose one--the strongest, the most needed. once more, everything will come crashing down at the very moment when i had to keep myself together. for my future. for my own, separate life.

it seems that the universe is conspiring to move into motion a break in the chain of love begun not so long ago. the crack has gone longer. the gap is getting wider. soon there will be nothing. but a silent void. the life built upon the test of time is now being worn by the advent of another time.

this is it. the divergence. the inevitable.

and the unbearable.

anger

love?
you know it not.
with what you've done,
and have been doing
much is to be said
re you
knowing love.
shame.

towards being happy

it has undeniably been an emotional rollercoaster ride for me these past few weeks. everything came crashing down the same time that i had to hold myself up to build my future. i had been sad then devastated then elated then empty and confused in a span of a week. and it is draining. totally draining.

good thing i think of myself as strong. that is, strong enough to keep it all together until an iota of light springs back in my life. strong enough to feel the better life ahead of me and work towards achieving that goal.

and i have.

i'm recovering immensely well. things that were unthinkable in the past are now matters of possibility. stuff that i have already forgotten, i am now remembering. and everything seems lighter. more wonderful. the whole world is indeed, once more, one big possibility.

towards being happy.

weird

It's so weird having two functioning blogs at the same time. it's like splitting oneself in two and not knowing which is whom and who is which. ideas get busted just because a part thereof seems better suited in one site than the other, thereby effectively hindering me from developing each idea and eventually stopping me from writing it altogether. again, it's weird. it's just that blogger, at least when i access it on my computer, seems to be off the mark lately and so i have been in search of another avenue to express my thoughts. and yahoo 360 (http://blog.360.yahoo.com/jandelm) is relatively new which i so cannot pass upon. thus, again, the dichotomy created, which, makes my writing life, well, weird.

weird.

http://www.jelandomer.blogspot.com

people seem to have had the impression that i deleted my whole blog altogether. i have not, for the following reasons.

first, i can never voluntarily delete my blog, let alone my entries therein. it has, for the most part, kept me sane all these years. by pouring out all emotions in writing, i was able not only to share unto my friends the best success and the worst failures i have had, but also, i was able to maintain a clean track of what's been going on in my life so as to decipher the most viable way in porceeding to the future. for this reason alone, it would have been insane to delete my blogsite and my entries therein.

second, for anyone who has been reading my blog all these years, one will notice that for every major event in my life, cataclysmic or otherwise, it is accompanied by a major revamp either in the template of my blog or in the blog title thereof. thus, i have had silvernightmare, jeland's law, thoughts, of ends and beginnings and now, lost in thoughts. the fact that you're seeing this entry does not mean that i have erased all that which i have already written. rather, it merely signifies a certain stage that i'm going through right now. and thank you for being there with me as i go through it.

third and finally, although change is good, i'd rather i can see the person i have been before that change. more than keeping track of the past for formulating the future, i'd like to see what's been in order to see who i've been and what i've already become. this puts things in perspective. it makes me a whole person. and for that, again, i can never delete my blog.

and so, for anyone who's interested in who i was before this change, for anyone who would like to make that leap of change with me, and for anyone who wants to accompany me as i map out my future by first looking at my past, hit www.jelandomer.blogspot.com, and i'll be there, stripped to my bare essentials.

thanks guys, for keeping me company all these years.

Lost in Thoughts

and so it starts anew. an era of my life where nothing is certain and everything is a possibility.

once again, i am lost in thoughts.

join me.